Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.
Paddy's hungry.
Yeah, I could do with a bit o' somethin'. I'm ravishing.
Have we nowt in t'back?
We've yet to do a big shop, my friend. The cupboard is bare.
Why don't we get in one of these county pubs, get some dinny-donny-din-dons?
They've got some beautiful eateries. Nice carvery.
Beautiful. Nice, thick, juicy steak, like t'sole of your shoe.
Did I tell you about that mixed grill I had in t'countyside?
No.
Listen to this. The plates weren't round, they were oval.
Food were that wide and that high.
- Ooh. And what were on it? - What weren't on it?
Steak, liver, beef, kidney,
liver, chops, pork, liver,
a tureen of chips and two - count 'em - two fried eggs.
£3.50 the lot.
That's one thing I could never be, a vegetarian.
Man can't live by chips alone.
I tell you what's worse than being a vegetarian, being a Mekon.
Being a what?
A Mekon. Them lads can't eat nothin'.
A vegan, you tool.
Ah, that's it, yeah.
No, Paddy loves his meat.
Call me old fashioned but what I like is white, tender
off-the-bone chicken.
What's yours?
- Cow! - You what?
COW!
BRAKES SCREECH
DISTRESSED MOOING
Is it dead?
THUD
Either that or it's gonna piss it down.
Just come out of nowhere. What sort of place is this, where animal is king?
Look at the state of the bumper.
It'll belong to one of these arsehole farmers.
They let them do what they want.
Here, let me shift it. Come on.
Whoa! Whoa! Grab its hooves, not its tits.
You'll be covered in milk, man!
Cows playing chicken. What next?!
- They're loaded, these farmers. - We'll have him for this. Every penny.
Look at all t'land he's got.
I saw a case like this on Judge Judy. A couple cleaned up - and that's before t'whiplash.
- How is your neck? - Agony. Agony.
Agony, yes.
No answer? No, he'll be inside... COUNTING HIS MONEY!
He should be out, teaching his cows road safety. Come on.
He's here.
Ahoy there!
Hello there. Lovely day, innit?
It was.
You come to mend the barn roof?
No, my friend here's just knocked one of your cows down.
He's what?!
Just came out of nowhere, mate, didn't stand a chance.
- Not again! Which one was it? - Black and white one, big head.
- Is it hurt? - No, it's dead.
Oh, God! Are you all right?
My motorhome's not, it's a right mess. Smashed headlamp, bumper, the lot.
They're always gettin' out. I keep tellin' 'em but they won't listen.
- They? - Ty puttin' fences up.
Fences cost money, boys.
So do headlamps and bumpers, cock.
We 'ad all new fences round 'ere but what with the winter we 'ad
they all got ruined. Can't afford to replace 'em.
Then the foot and mouth wiped us out.
Here we go - sob story.
All this was fields at one time.
Scrubland. But my dad worked on it till his fingers bled in the summer of '69.
Shockin'.
- Look, Jackanory, what about our bumper? - And our headlight?
- What about 'em? - They want fixin'. Who's gonna pay for it?
If you've come lookin' for money, I ain't got nothin' here.
You must have something, you're a farm.
All's I've got left is the old girl.
Whoa, we don't want your wife.
- We're not swingers. - No.
Oh, no, not my wife. She's gone too.
Dead three years this spring.
Got knocked down by a combine harvester.
She's buried over there.
And over there.
And just over there.
Rest in pieces.
No, no, no, no, I'm talkin' about this old girl, here.
She's the only thing I've got left of any value.
A pig?! As compensation?
I've heard it all now. Where there's blame, there's a pig.
What are we s'posed to do with it?
- You could sell it. - Hang on. C'mere.
It's not a bad idea. What d'you reckon?
I smell bullshit, and it's not the pig.
- D'you know how much pigs are worth? - Do you?
They're worth more than a bumper and a headlight. We could make on this.
Where will we sell it?
Cattle market! Crabbock, 4O mile that way.
Ask for Big Bill Ingles. He'll do you a great deal.
Suppose we were to take the pig.
How much would it be worth?
Hmmmm. A Welsh white?
She's a good 'un. 60, 70...
I'd say... 3OO.
Three hundred quid?!
I think this little piggy's goin' to market.
(Max) Too right.
Have you got some sort of vehicle to get the pig to market?
No.
- How are we s'posed to shift it then? - What's the matter wi' that thing?
Aye, fair enough.
That, my friend, is our home!
It'll be right! Whack a bit of polythene down, you'll never know.
I don't want it shittin' and pissin' all over our home.
Make sure that polythene's down in there.
Don't worry, pigs are the cleanest of animals.
They live in a sty, hence the term pigsty.
Go straight on through the village
pass the Dutchie 'pon the left-hand side...
Dutchie Pon. Dutchie Pon.
..and you'll see a little white church.
Little white church?
White church.
- And? - Ignore it.
Ignore it!
Go straight on and the market's right in front of you.
Right-oh. OK.
Pig on board.
Pig on board, yeah.
Pigs on board.
It's there.
(Farmer) And you're on your way.
We're on our way.
Let go. Let go now.
He is not playing with a full deck, Patrick, that fella.
Can't believe you gave him £100 for that pig.
You've got to speculate to accumulate, trust me.
But 100 of the Queen's English pounds?
We'll be quids in when we get to market.
PIG GRUNTS
Y'all right back there?
She's all right.
She's not eatin' me good fleece, is she?
Hi-de! Hi-de!
(Paddy) Do you really think we'll get 3OO quid for her?
They're worth their weight in gold.
Have you heard of "piggy bank"? Where d'you think that comes from? A piggy bank.
You can use every bit of a pig, you know.
- They're not just for eggs and bacon. - Eveythin'?
Snooter to tooter, there's no wastage.
Even its flute gets used.
Its flute?
Its... Yeah, its flute, its pork sword, its, erm...
Cock?
Yeah.
- What for? - Dog chews.
- Really? - Straight up.
That's the last time I let a dog lick my face.
You can eat its eyes. They're a delicacy in Iran.
Tapas.
- Its tongue. - What?
Its tongue.
You never had tongue?
Plenty.
Me mam used gimme tongue every week, regular.
They even use pig sperm in the medical profession.
Get out o' town!
- Straight up. - What for?
Babies. Bringin' 'em on during labour.
Pig...sperm?
Pig's sperm.
Wouldn't like the job of getting that.
Hey, we've not had anything to eat yet, have we?
No, I'm starvin'.
Let's get in and have a little snicky-snacky-snoo.
I'm hearing you.
- Two sausage butties. - Yep.
PADDY SNIFFS Have you pumped?
No, I have not.
You have, you've dropped your pack.
Oh, God, that stinks!
- I can't smell nothin'. - I can.
Oh, Jes..! It's the pig! Quick, crank the window.
HUGE FART
BIG WET FART
Dirty pig! Dirty pig!
No wonder he wanted rid of her she needs rakin' out.
FART
Get it in the back. Quick, before she follows through.
Get back!
I can't see. I can't see, me eyes are burnin'.
Take the wheel! Take the wheel!
FART
PIG CONTINUES TO FART
Oh, good God almighty!
Look, she's done some dirt.
Hey, you're cleanin' that up, you're cleanin' that up.
How dare you?! How dare you?!
This is our motorized home! We live here!
FART
Dirty pig!
RASPING FART
(Both) Oh, God!
FART
PEOPLE CHATTER
COW MOOS
CROWD DROWNS SPEECH
Hey! Get in! Come here! Get in!
We're lookin' for a fella by the name of Big Bill Ingles.
Ty the cemetery - he's been dead four years.
He's dead? But we're supposed to sell him this pig.
Let's have a look.
There's not much call for breeders here.
Not much call for what?
What you've got is a breeding pig.
A stud pig. And his mating days are over.
He(!)
He's a she. Shows how much you know about pigs.
That'll be the first female breeder I ever see.
Have a look underneath if you don't believe me.
- What's the crack? - It an't got one. I-It's a boy.
It's a boy pig.
The devious old swine.
- Who did you get it off? - A farmer.
Have you got its papers?
Papers?
Registration. Documentation.
It's a pig, not an asylum seeker.
What was the name of the farmer?
We dunno, we just bought it off him.
You bought it?! You've been stitched up good and proper, boys.
How much will we get for it?
It'll be no good for meat, Joe - tough as old nipples!
Thirty.
- Thirty quid?! - Sod off.
It's worth 3OO, that.
Five years ago, maybe, not now.
No, you're all right, we'll leave it.
Three hundred!
Thirty quid, eh? Bit of a comedown from 3OO.
Never mind what they say, they're just after a bargain.
They'd take your cream out of your coffee.
We should kick that farmer's head in and get our money.
No, we can sell this pig.
What as? A retired breeder? And it's a boy.
What we need is someone who knows nothing about pigs.
Yeah - us.
No, one of those City blokes, those yuppie types.
What do they call 'em?
Knobheads.
No...gentlemen farmers.
Hooray Henrys. Green wellies an' all that. The works, you know.
- We could sell it to one of them. - But it's knackered.
When we've finished with it they'll think it's a pig gigolo'.
- A pigolo. - Exactly.
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATlON
(Posh accent) It's a lovely 12-acre sprawl, so there's plenty of room.
And he's a breeder, you say?
A prize breeder. He's won awards.
He bangs like a shithouse door in a gale.
A what?
- A gale. - Where is he now?
I'll just get my boy.
Boy! I say, boy! Lackey!
Bring the pig hither.
My lackey, this.
Steady.
PIG GRUNTS
This is the fella. What d'you think?
He looks a bit tired.
Tired? You'd look tired if you were on t'job 24h.
His eyes are glazed over.
He's been down more holes than Tiger Woods.
- He doesn't know whether he's coming or going. - Or coming.
Exactly. Yesterday he were tying to bum a Shetland pony.
It took five of us for t'get him off it.
I have a female round the back who needs to be served.
Let's sort the pig out first, my friend.
I do apologise. Boy, round the back.
Take the pig to the gentleman's trailer, chop chop!
(I'll chop chop you.)
He doesn't seem to be doing anything.
They will do. In a minute it'll be a big pink blur. Once they get goin' they're like rabbits.
He's taking his time.
It's romance. They're gettin' to know each other. Have you got your money?
I don't know how you treat your women, but this is pig foreplay, this.
He's smellin' her out.
Maybe he's not right for her.
Or 'appen your pig's a lesbian.
He's got a point. I have read about that.
How much did you say he was again?
Three hundred pounds, quickly.
Right, I'll just have to see my man.
Joe?
Hey! Ha-ha! It's them two again.
Three hundred pound!
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
There y'are, lad. That's the fella.
- What you feedin' him? - Pork scratchings.
You can't do that, that's cannibalism.
You're messin' about with evolution there, Patrick. Stop it! Please!
What we gonna do with him?
I don't know.
Maybe we could race him.
You know one of them county fetes, carnival, like?
Why don't we train it to be a sheep pig? You know like Babe?
That were a film.
It worked, though.
They also had singin' mice.
Yeah, they did, didn't they?
Bloody 'ell, I've got it.
What?
- Let's cut out the middle man. - What do you mean?
Never mind sellin' him as a breeder let's sell him as meat.
Take him to t'butcher's. Those lads know a bargain when they see one.
MUSIC: No Matter How I Try by Gilbert Sullivan
PIG SNORTS
Come on!
(There's only one thing for it, then.)
What's that?
(We'll have to kill it.)
We?!
(Yeah, you and me. We'll sell it on the black market, round the car boots.)
So we've gone from having a £3OO prize breeder
to sellin' it off a trestle table on a Sunday mornin'
in a primary school car park. Is that what you're tellin' me?
(It's not my fault, OK?)
PIG GRUNTS
- Shh. - We can't kill it.
(What d'you think the butcher was gonna do? Keep it as a pet?
(We're doormen, violence is habitual.)
Don't tell me you've gone soft.
Sofft?
I'm not the one who's whisperin'. You've gone soft.
(How dare you?!)
(When you've been pinned down by sniper fire at Goose Green,
(killin' a pig, my friend, is a day at the races.)
- Right, then. - (Let's do it.)
- OK. - (Good)
- Bring it on. - (Right, then.)
PIG GRUNTS
Try again.
BANGS ON DOOR
Yes? What?
I don't believe it. Barbara, bloody pig's come back.
- Where'd you find him? - Find him? We've bought him.
Bought him? Off who?
Bloke who owns this farm. Is he in?
I own this farm.
Since when?
Look, buddy, we knocked a cow down in the road and damaged our motorhome
and the bloke who owns this farm sold us this pig as compensation.
- You know what it's worth? - Nothing.
Exactly.
What's this bloke look like?
Like... Like Greengrass from Heartbeat.
I don't believe it! Barbara, he's at it again! DAD!
You're a quiet one, aren't you?
I likes that.
DAD! You've been sellin' our livestock again!
That's him!
It's her dad. He's wired to the moon.
He's harmless enough.
Harmless? We gave him £100 for this pig.
Hundred?
And we want it back.
You'll be lucky. Looks like he's already drank it.
A bit of a tease, are we?
I likes a str...
l loves a struggle! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Whoa! Ooh!
Oh...
so it was you that killed my cow, was it?
'Scuse me, squire, you're not still servin' food, are you?
We're a bit busy tonight.
But we can squeeze you in. Take a seat.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
HE BELCHES
How dare you?!
Number eight.
Would you like me to take your order?
We'll have two nut cutlets, please, flower.
Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere, sponsored by Chorley FM.